www.youtube.com/lunatickerala —> Mallu nightmare

The following is a direct excerpt from the Youtube Channel lunaticKerala. Read it for a new perspective on mallus. It is partially true, but a lot of exaggeration has shrouded its truth. Whatever, it is a fun read.

Kerala is the most backward and mentally illiterate place of India. By just reading some alphabets, does not necessarily make you civilized. If so, even some animals can be taught. Ignorant educated hypocrites like Amartya Sen and Bill Mckibben praise Kerala for their own selfish career interests. Let them come and live in this pervert state for one month. They will run away freaked with their asses burnt.

Swami Viveknanda was not an insane person when he declared this pervert state as Lunatic Asylum, almost hundred years back. The objective here is to carry forward that truth with proofs and statistics.

Watch the channel video. In response to a question about water logging, the highest elected official, the Chief Minister of Mallus says, people can themselves remove the water, since water is natures gift! This is 100% fucking literacy? This is the same man who called a martyr from Bangalore a dog.

The demons who reside in Kerala are called mallus. Demons since they have a demon king Mahabali who lives underground and comes out during the onam festival to see his fellow demons.

Mallus are the largest drunkards of India. They have the highest divorce and suicide rates. They have carried the suicide tradition abroad also. Recently a mallu killed himself after shooting all his family members including his 11 month baby in the U.S. Almost 100 suicide attempts a day. They have the highest unemployment. They consume 25% of national production of psychotropic drugs.

Mallus contribute to terrorism also. Mallus were responsible for Bangalore blasts. One can see Pakistani flags flying freely in Malapuram district. LTTE Prabhakaran a half mallu. Are mallus traitors?

Mallus are poor even below the national standards. It is way behind development when compared to other cities and states. People die falling into pot holes. One can see the pitiable condition of bus and railway stations.

They have no importance in national affairs since they occupy the leg portion of India. They abuse the neighboring state people by calling them pandis but the hilarious truth is, the same mallus travel in rail coaches spitted, excreted and used by neighboring states. So who are the real pandis?

Mallus still are living in stone age coconut jungles like tribals, running around barefooted, in their lungis showing balls, spitting in public and peeing on walls. Even their movies show actors fighting in lungis showing balls.

It takes more than five hours to cover the mere distance of 220 KM between Trivandrum and Cochin instead of normal two hours taken by Bhopal Shatabdi for almost the same distance between Delhi and Agra. Mallus take fucking 18 hours to cover TVM Bangalore distance.

Mallus have never seen a real highway since such things cannot be built in one of the most densely populated places in India. They have pathetic infrastructure, no driving sense and walk on filthy pot holed roads with no footpaths.

Mallus are famous for bandhs, hartals, rallies and strikes. Mallus dont even have the basic amenities like power and water. Mallu towns stink with sewage water and garbage. Water pipe bursting is a daily affair.

Most mallus are restless, confused, perverts and frustrated. Maybe that’s why they like hanging themselves and jumping in front of trains a lot. Even in trains especially Kerala express, one can always see the police arresting mallus for intoxication and molesting girls.

Mallus are famous for sex scandals including their politicians molesting passengers in planes. After all mallus proudly gave India, the first X rated movies with their huge bosom mallu aunts showing off their big ugly attributes. Every month there is a new sex scandal.

One can see mallus ogling at tourists at the Kovalam beach. They are famous for grabbing the asses of tourists. 26% of mallu women face abuse and sexual harassment. They are famous even abroad for molestations. Designer Anand Jon and many church pastors.

Mallus due to the backward conditions and unemployment, migrate in large numbers to other states and countries. They do mainly low paying menial jobs like drivers, stenos, typists, laborers, and chaya walahs. In fact one can see schools from other states advertising in mallu newspapers for teaching positions for mere two thousand rupees. Pathetic indeed is the life of mallus. Many commit suicide working under hazardous conditions in Gulf and suffer various kinds of torture by Arabs including spitting on their faces.

The so called literate mallus don’t allow the mallu singer Yesudas to enter inside a Hindu temple.

A backward mallu will be surprised when he sees Chandigarh. Small towns like Mathura have McDonald outlet, Delhi alone has 50. KFC and such outlets come in places having high purchasing power which mallus lack. Mallus are usually shocked when they see the two crore plus weddings in Delhi.

The mallu Jan Shatabdi was proposed to run with food price inclusive but these poor mallus protested. This train has only 1 A/C coach and that too goes empty. Compare this with Dehradun Jan Shatabdi which has 6 A/C coaches apart from the Shatabdi and other A/C trains.

The mallu Rajdhani gets the most filthy coaches from the Northern railways since they know mallus are pussies and will never complain. Other Rajdhanis have the new LHB German coaches. Mallus indeed are pussies. The Tamils invaded inside mallu rail zone, divided and took their share so coolly.

Mallu mouths are always open for the rice to arrive from other states. Have you seen mallus stuffing big balls of rice into their demon mouths?

Mallus have cheap bakeries and insane jewelry stores every nook and corner. The famous three mallu signs of recognition – chaya wallah, Hindi thoda thoda maloom and ayyo ammachi big probbbllllum.

The only appreciable thing are the women who go abroad in large numbers as nurses.

Country: India
Occupation: Coconut Climber, Chaya Walah

The Golden Potty Rule

The Golden Potty Rule

I was in one of my rare grumpy moods at the start of the summer vacation when I was buzzed on G-Talk by my friend Ajay Bhise. He buzzed me with a harmless ‘Wassup yo?’ despite my status message reading the very easily comprehensible ‘DND’. I told him that I was grumpy and in no mood to talk at the given time.

Now I do not understand why people just can’t understand stuff as simple as ‘I don’t wanna talk now’! They just have to ask ‘What’s wrong dude?’ or ‘You sound bad… Everything OK?’ As if they expect a chap to say something like ‘Dude, I saw the future and you know what? You DO grow a pair in the end!’. But of course the bonds of friendship are such that one does not use those magical words _ _ _ _  _ _ _ (fill in the blanks) in times like these for one is supposed to SEEM obliged for one’s friend SEEMS concerned!
Well… Even I got a ‘You OK dude?’ and I tried to end it with ‘Some personal shit dude, need to sort it out me self’. Bhise totally understood my need to be alone and had words of wisdom to offer to me!

He said ‘Always remember The Golden Potty Rule’

Golden Potty Rule States-

‘As long as you keep your potty in your commode and your commode in your toilet and don’t let others’ potty come into your toilet, your life will be potty free…’

After saying this, he said- ‘ I can do without your potty in my life’ and left the chat.

So here’s wishing you all a ‘potty free’ life,

Peace and potty free Love,

Jabba

Shades of Fury

We are all fascinated about shades. I mean cooling-glasses or sun-glasses whatever. Every hero/heroine irrespective of them being from Mollywood, Kollywood, Hollywood, Bollywood and Robin-hood, wants them.

It covers the dark rings around your eyes and give you a sense of security. You feel as though you can pry on others while the other fuck-lings are oblivious of your intent or optical attention direction. You can even “vayinokkify“. Ask a mallu for it’s meaning.

Shades whatever colour they be protect your eyes from harmful UV-rays and dust particles, sometimes insects also.

Important references when talking about shades will be

Mickey Mallory’s red shades from Natural Born Killers

Morpheus’s clip-on glasses from Matrix, the whole movie revolved around the geekness and coolness factor of shades.

The Ray-Ban Aviator sun-glasses, specially suited for covering your eye and a large real-estate around it from Val Kilmer’s and Tom-Cruise’s Top Gun.

Personally I think glasses are more of a style statement. But the moment somebody wears them, atleast people here in Kochu-Kerala, start murmuring as they often do. Sun-glasses often elict unnecessary attention from jobless by-standers and conservationists who find it disturbingly sinister. To all those anguished souls, we mean no harm.

So Glasses on, boys.

First Post from PS 1

I am at Centre for Water Research, Development and Management Institute at Calicut (Kozhikode). It seems a very good place and I want to make use of this oppurtunity for some good work. In 15 minutes time ( 1:45 pm, 25/05/2009), I have to meet the Executive Director of the institute. I hope we impress him.

Till then,

Rain, rain go away, come again when I am not at play,

Little Vladu wants to play,

Rain, rain go away.

Silence for some time

I am leaving for Kozhikode.

I beg my co-authors to put some post up, if their lazy brains can work.

Shailu and Saha.

Let’s fly with the cockroaches.

M/F situation

The Male or Female Situation

encountered by males mostly (that’s the only experience I ever had) in which people of a low-levelled society mistake the sex or gender of the person. The reasons are

1) Guy has long hair.

2) Guy is a bit fat, structure not that muscular or wiry.

3) Guy is basically in the wrong place.

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4) Guy is gay and dresses up like a female.

5) Guy has mannerisms like that of a female.

6) Guy squeals and talks like a female.

7) Guy likes girly things including Spice Girls and Britney Spears.

Guy does homo stuff with other guys.

The first three reasons have a widespread effect in my life. The rest of them are for your banal enjoyment. Basically I have experienced the M/F Situation plenty of times. Even this evening when a child barely the age of four, asked a sincere query to his mother about the inclinations of my gender, basically because I have long hair. He can be excused for he is just learning the ways of life. But what about you?

You, assholes who are educated from fine educational institutions and premier colleges, live a modern life-style and yet still show the experience and intelligence of a 4- year old boy, the rickshaw-puller or the mess worker.

Grow up folks, the M/F Situation is your creation.\ and you are doomed.

I am shameless, live with it or die crying over it.

BSNL Broadband is fake

BSNL talks of giving us a broadband connection at Rs 750 a month. That’s a lot of money, but when experience it’s sloth-slow speeds at 25 KBps, we abuse it every single time. Especially when the connection breaks down most of the time.

Every time the net breaks down in my house, a data packet is orphaned somewhere in cyberspace.

Stop those Facebook Quizzes

Facebook is the new fad.

but Facebook quizzes are evil, time-wasting, heart-breaking, torturing devices of human intellect, combined with some deviously clever compilation of images, words, phrases, sentences and questions designed to make our minds think in ways that the quiz creator wants us to think, by limiting our answers to a bunch of pre-defined choices whose selection ensures the end-result of an answer that the creator deems fit for us,thereby reducing us to spoon-fed pieces of human garbage, unable to shake off this yoke of responsibility, possible insight into a future determined by probability which now has become more clear because our minds have been channelised to think in certain ways and therefore affect our futures and those of others in ways, even the mighty god of Loki would find disgusting.

Mascara and Stupid offers

Boarding the plane was quick, and I was soon hooked on one of the air-hostesses. There were only 3 of them, but then she looked the better of the 3. She had a blue smudge of paint on  her eye-lids which was kind of cute. Soon she was performing the sign version of safety precautions. We felt sad for her. She had to do it 3 times during the trip, and then had to scold some stupid children sitting in front not to touch those bloody panel buttons.

And while I was sitting and trying to sleep, this child of the guy sitting next to me kept bothering me throughout with a stuoid in-flight auctioning scheme coupon, some kind of special offer for the passengers whereby they can avail discounts on many items by bidding on them, something like that. Plus this guy who was a middle-aged person was reading some kind of biblical scripture which was putting me off. His child was pestering him for a KKR tee. How quick has IPL caught fire?

Ya no mobile phones and pagers were allowed, and I was having a bad time trying to maintain contact with my love. They were selling CCD coffees on board along with sandwiches. I just felt that everything around me was artificial. I longed for a train trip. Prashytech will never understand.

The eye seeth, the brain recordeth, the fingers typeth part 2

Last time I talked about, lightning checks in my wing and the mallu wing. Both our wings are joining together to form a mega wing of 18 next semester. Maybe then the checks will be less tedious for the concerned authority. All in good spirit and a bit of frustration,

Coming back to what we were doing, we boarded the cab we had ordered, a spacious red Tavera for the 7 of us. It was a real good ride, reminding me how good the road to Pilani has become. People in the back-seat were drinking Kingfisher’s Soda all night. I had slept and when woke up was informed that Dominic had puked due to the bumpy ride plus excess of aerated soda. I thought I lost my cap in the air, but when we stopped the car ann got down at the airport it was there.

I was happy I had decided against wearing jeans that day. My bermudas however shabby my appearance was, felt so free. We quickly pushed our way to the Terminal D from some other terminal and secured access to the huge terminal. It was my first time in this terminal and it was really impressive. We quickly freshened up and got cleared. It was a funny experience especially while checking I had to surrender my bow and slides (yeah, I sometimes use them).

Inside the terminal, surrounded by a sea of gorgeous beauties and high speed internet at 0.5 MBps we were all set for the waiting. The time just slipped away, while we spent time downloading a movie here and there and later eating into fine, crispy and costly KFC chicken legs. The terminal was good, but I am sure the international terminal would be many times better.

A funny incident was when we tried using the hand-dryer. We were supposed to bring the hand very close at least within 6 cm of the instrument to make it actually sense our hands and start blowing. But we kept lingering at around 10 cm and were frustrated. Finally an attendant helped us. We felt stupid, but later quite cruelly teased his job amongst ourselves, to be very pathetic and unsahikkable.

And then we boarded the plane.

How stupid can some girls get when they see dogs?